NEWS FLASH – DOGS CAN READ!

…at least that’s the inescapable conclusion I came to when I opened Sunday’s newspaper.

I spend a lot of time thinking about writing, and on occasion, I’ll spot something relevant in the paper that’s worth sharing. Today’s subject isn’t an article or an editorial. I found it in the coupon circular. It’s an ad for a new product called Fortune Snookies – doggie cookie snacks. Each one has something written on it, like those candy hearts you see around Valentine’s Day that say BE MINE or I LOVE YOU. Only these say things like “the bark stops here” or “I only fetch Snookies.”

I know you’re going to say that this product is aimed at the human who actually goes to the supermarket and shells out the money. But I am convinced that the manufacturer truly intends for the cookies to be read by DOGS! Because right there in the ad, in big bold print, it says: “WOW! Different fortunes in every box. Read ‘em and eat ‘em!” So what other conclusion can I draw?

Still, I’m left with a few questions:

1) The ad includes a coupon for $2.00 off. If they’re willing to knock $2.00 off the price, just how much do these things cost? The package is only 8.4 ounces. By my calculation, that makes the price at least $4.00 per pound. I can buy top sirloin steak on sale for $2.77 per pound. It may not have anything written on it, but we’re talking about a treat here. If I were a dog, which one would wake up my salivary glands – cookies or steak?

2) If, as I conclude above, the messages are intended for dogs, wouldn’t your pooch have to be very near-sighted to read them while his nose is in the bowl? Are these cookies going to spawn a whole new industry in doggie reading glasses? Will we be seeing doggie optometrists selling fashion eye-wear for Fido? What if you’re just tossing the cookies to him one by one? Can he read them on the fly? These are some practical considerations that don’t appear to have been addressed by the manufacturer.

3) Some of the messages shown in the ad are “Life is Like a Box of Snookies” and “You Had Me at HERE BOY.” When was the last time your dog sat through Forrest Gump or Jerry McGuire?

4) Why are these things in English? It’s highly disputed whether dogs understand English at all. Wouldn’t it make more sense to print WOOF, or RUFF RUFF, or YIP on the cookies? If these messages are supposed to be amusing, how’s poor Fluffy supposed to get the joke if the cookie is written in a foreign language? It’s just not fair.

I think I have to write to the CCLU (Canine Civil Liberties Union) about this.

Hey, Bowser! Come here and translate this for me.

Even I need help with writing sometimes!

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Published in: on August 28, 2006 at 6:21 pm  Comments (9)  

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9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Working at a Wal-Mart I see these products all the time. Seems chocolate flavor is a favorite! Wow! What a great idea! Get your pooch used to the flavor of chocolate. A substance that is highly toxic to dogs. Yep, great idea!

    Sheesh!

  2. Benning, Since dogs can read, maybe there should be a warning label: “This flavor may be hazardous to your health.” At least that way, the owner won’t have to blame himself if Fido gets into the M&Ms. (Get them used to Fortune Snookies, and they start looking for writing on all their food.)

  3. The snookies might be targeting poor English speaking people – god knows there are a lot of them (me amongst that crowd – that is how it feels some days) Nevertheless, good site, I have visited before and recall your issue with learning to speak Spanish as opposed to english as a first language.

  4. Judy Rose, no dog alive would ever get hold of my M&Ms! Never!

    LOL

  5. Benning, Mine either!

  6. Mick, if Snookie makers are targeting poor English speaking people, I need to know what flavors they come in before recommending them as a language learning device. If the flavors are liver, kidney, or anything akin to those, then I’d rather speak a little less perfectly than take this cure. On the other hand, if they really do taste like chocolate, as Benning says, then I suppose they’ll never make it all the way to the doggie bowl.

    I heard on the news yesterday that Barbara Walters swears her dog talks. First they read, then they talk, then they’re running for Congress. Yikes! (Hey, wait a minute, some new members of Congress doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.)

    Thanks for visiting my site.

  7. When reading the comments I noticed no one mentioned the humor and I felt it my duty to do so, because this was very well written.
    I am an animal lover to some degree…not so extreme that I allow commercials to dictate what I purchase for my animals.
    I do pay attention and then research what I hear in some commercials but, I am surprised when I hear that not everyone does this. So using the dog analogy was just plain funny, Thank you so very much. I found this entry very, very funny. I found it light hearted and pointed. I believe the point was not to fall for marketing ploys. I felt the author ( I apologize, I did not see a name.) did so with humor.
    The author tempts us to realize; while it is ok to spoil even our pets, do we really need to pay that extra money to get (if we were to read the ingredients) the same treat for less?
    What drives us to spend the way a commercial or someone in power directs?
    Using the dog analogy and the English speaking point was well delivered but, not the main point.
    If I might take a moment to use “internet speak” the CCLU was ROFL.
    Thank you one last time, all that I have read on this site is interesting and so far delivered with humor, I will keep reading.

  8. Very funny. That would be in a way, quite frightening, dog glasses. By the way, what is ROFL? anyone know?

    • ROFL means “roll on the floor laughing.”


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