Picking Up Where Your Search Engine Leaves Off

Here are some of the words and phrases people typed into their search engines, and wound up at my blog. These are all for real! Since my actual posts don’t provide the answers or information the readers were looking for, I thought I’d do it here.

1. Can rose petals in a bath kill you?
Well, that depends. If you sprinkle a few rose petals over the surface of your bath water, I think you’ll survive. However, if you fill the tub with petals, only allowing room for a small amount of water (enough to make them soggy) and then get into the tub, ducking your head to inhale the flowery aroma; then YES, I think rose petals in the bath can kill you – when they fill up your mouth and nostrils and cut off your air supply. So be really careful about doing that.

2. Funny thoughts on what animals think
What do you think a dog thinks? No matter what your answer, if you are not a dog, you have no way of knowing whether you’re right or wrong. Despite that, all the pet owners I know have an annoying habit of providing voice-overs for their pets’ activities. So when the dog comes over carrying his leash in his mouth, the owner says, “He’s thinking, take me out for a walk,” when it’s just as likely the dog is thinking, “Mary spilled chicken gravy on my leash and it tastes really good. Do we have any more of that chicken gravy?” So my thought on what animals think is: don’t be so sure!

3. Rose petal cells for 11 year olds
I suppose this person was searching for a source of rose petals to use in a school project for her 6th grader. She had already bought the “Junior Scientist Mighty Microscope Kit” and was now looking for neat things to view at the cellular level. Why she needed the internet to find rose petals when she could just go to her neighbor’s yard and steal a few, is beyond me, but hey, I’m here to help. So here is my response: go to your neighbor’s yard and steal a few. On the other hand, if this person is looking for cartoon film cel pictures of rose petals that appeared in some Looney Tunes episode back in the 50s, to use as decoration for her 11-year-old’s bedroom wall, then here’s an idea. Since antique rose petal cartoon cels are probably going to cost you plenty, and a pre-teenager isn’t going to appreciate the value, go to your neighbor’s yard and steal a few. Press them between two pieces of clear cellophane, and put them in a frame. Voila! Rose Petal Cels for 11-year-olds. (My apologies to the neighbor, but we’re dealing in practical solutions here.)

4. McDonald nugget chicken heads
This presents an interesting dilemma. Do McDonald’s chicken nuggets have heads? Is one side the top and the other side the bottom, so that when you flip one, it either lands heads or tails? You’ll have to check the McDonald’s website for the answer to that one. But here is another take on the question. I have always thought McDonald’s chicken nuggets were made from all the parts of the chicken that other chicken restaurants throw away. In one of my posts, I said that I thought the nuggets were composed of beaks and toes (clearly the reason the person who typed this phrase ended up at Rose Petals). But it never entered my mind that they might also contain the heads. That must be the piece of information this reader was hoping to find. Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m still scratching my head on that one. I will say this: if it has occurred to you that the nuggets may contain chicken heads, DO NOT EAT THEM.

5. Is newspaper toxic to dogs?
If all your dog does is pee on the newspaper, then probably not. But if he eats newspaper, and keeps eating it until he’s dead, then clearly he had a suicide wish, and it’s not about the newspaper. What dog in his right mind would eat newspaper, when there’s a perfectly tasty chicken gravy covered leash in the closet? Now, if you’re asking whether reading the newspaper is toxic to dogs, then I would say YES. With all the bad news they’re reporting these days, it’s toxic to everybody.

6. Good conclusion sentences
This comes from my other blog, Writing English. The person who typed this one into the search engine believes that after he’s written his letter, or story, or the great American novel, somebody on the internet is going to be able to tell him how to finish the thing. So here are a few suggestions for the last line.

This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
And away we go.
I’ll think about that tomorrow.
Now go do the right thing.

 

Bdeah, bdeah, bdeah, that’s all folks!

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Published in: on October 9, 2006 at 8:36 pm  Comments (3)  

Gladiator – American Style

I received this photo-montage from a friend today. It’s a reminder of the kind of folks that are fighting for us, and how they are regarded by the local people in Iraq. I think it’s worth a look.

Published in: on October 4, 2006 at 11:30 pm  Comments (2)