Picking Up Where Your Search Engine Leaves Off

Here are some of the words and phrases people typed into their search engines, and wound up at my blog. These are all for real! Since my actual posts don’t provide the answers or information the readers were looking for, I thought I’d do it here.

1. Can rose petals in a bath kill you?
Well, that depends. If you sprinkle a few rose petals over the surface of your bath water, I think you’ll survive. However, if you fill the tub with petals, only allowing room for a small amount of water (enough to make them soggy) and then get into the tub, ducking your head to inhale the flowery aroma; then YES, I think rose petals in the bath can kill you – when they fill up your mouth and nostrils and cut off your air supply. So be really careful about doing that.

2. Funny thoughts on what animals think
What do you think a dog thinks? No matter what your answer, if you are not a dog, you have no way of knowing whether you’re right or wrong. Despite that, all the pet owners I know have an annoying habit of providing voice-overs for their pets’ activities. So when the dog comes over carrying his leash in his mouth, the owner says, “He’s thinking, take me out for a walk,” when it’s just as likely the dog is thinking, “Mary spilled chicken gravy on my leash and it tastes really good. Do we have any more of that chicken gravy?” So my thought on what animals think is: don’t be so sure!

3. Rose petal cells for 11 year olds
I suppose this person was searching for a source of rose petals to use in a school project for her 6th grader. She had already bought the “Junior Scientist Mighty Microscope Kit” and was now looking for neat things to view at the cellular level. Why she needed the internet to find rose petals when she could just go to her neighbor’s yard and steal a few, is beyond me, but hey, I’m here to help. So here is my response: go to your neighbor’s yard and steal a few. On the other hand, if this person is looking for cartoon film cel pictures of rose petals that appeared in some Looney Tunes episode back in the 50s, to use as decoration for her 11-year-old’s bedroom wall, then here’s an idea. Since antique rose petal cartoon cels are probably going to cost you plenty, and a pre-teenager isn’t going to appreciate the value, go to your neighbor’s yard and steal a few. Press them between two pieces of clear cellophane, and put them in a frame. Voila! Rose Petal Cels for 11-year-olds. (My apologies to the neighbor, but we’re dealing in practical solutions here.)

4. McDonald nugget chicken heads
This presents an interesting dilemma. Do McDonald’s chicken nuggets have heads? Is one side the top and the other side the bottom, so that when you flip one, it either lands heads or tails? You’ll have to check the McDonald’s website for the answer to that one. But here is another take on the question. I have always thought McDonald’s chicken nuggets were made from all the parts of the chicken that other chicken restaurants throw away. In one of my posts, I said that I thought the nuggets were composed of beaks and toes (clearly the reason the person who typed this phrase ended up at Rose Petals). But it never entered my mind that they might also contain the heads. That must be the piece of information this reader was hoping to find. Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m still scratching my head on that one. I will say this: if it has occurred to you that the nuggets may contain chicken heads, DO NOT EAT THEM.

5. Is newspaper toxic to dogs?
If all your dog does is pee on the newspaper, then probably not. But if he eats newspaper, and keeps eating it until he’s dead, then clearly he had a suicide wish, and it’s not about the newspaper. What dog in his right mind would eat newspaper, when there’s a perfectly tasty chicken gravy covered leash in the closet? Now, if you’re asking whether reading the newspaper is toxic to dogs, then I would say YES. With all the bad news they’re reporting these days, it’s toxic to everybody.

6. Good conclusion sentences
This comes from my other blog, Writing English. The person who typed this one into the search engine believes that after he’s written his letter, or story, or the great American novel, somebody on the internet is going to be able to tell him how to finish the thing. So here are a few suggestions for the last line.

This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
And away we go.
I’ll think about that tomorrow.
Now go do the right thing.

 

Bdeah, bdeah, bdeah, that’s all folks!

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Published in: on October 9, 2006 at 8:36 pm  Comments (3)  

You Call This Torture?

It looks like we’ve completely lost our minds. If you think we’re mistreating the terrorists being held at Guantanamo Bay, think again. We may actually be giving them more comfort and respect than they’ve ever enjoyed in their lives. All one hears from the main stream media is how we have to stop torturing these prisoners.

Now, in an article in the online edition of the New York Post, Richard Miniter (best selling author and expert on terrorism), who recently returned from a tour of Guantanamo, tells quite a different story. You can read the whole article here, but I’ll give you a sample:

The Pentagon seemed to be hoping to disarm its critics by showing them how well it cares for captured terrorists. The trip was more alarming than disarming. I spent several hours with Rear Adm. Harry B. Harris Jr., who heads the joint task force that houses and interrogates the detainees. (The military isn’t allowed to call them “prisoners.”)The high-minded critics who complain about torture are wrong. We are far too soft on these guys – and, as a result, aren’t getting the valuable intelligence we need to save American lives.

The politically correct regulations are unbelievable. Detainees are entitled to a full eight hours sleep and can’t be woken up for interrogations. They enjoy three meals and five prayers per day, without interruption. They are entitled to a minimum of two hours of outdoor recreation per day.

Interrogations are limited to four hours, usually running two – and (of course) are interrupted for prayers. One interrogator actually bakes cookies for detainees, while another serves them Subway or McDonald’s sandwiches. Both are available on base. (Filet o’ Fish is an al Qaeda favorite.)

And lest you think that accommodating their sleeping, eating, exercising, and praying needs is all the consideration they get, we are apparently accommodating their planning, plotting, weapon-making, and al Qaeda cell-forming needs as well.

Adm. Harris admitted to me that a multi-cell al Qaeda network has developed in the camp. Military intelligence can’t yet identify their leaders, but notes that they have cells for monitoring the movements and identities of guards and doctors, cells dedicated to training, others for making weapons and so on.

And they can make weapons from almost anything. Guards have been attacked with springs taken from inside faucets, broken fluorescent light bulbs and fan blades. Some are more elaborate. “These folks are MacGyvers,” Harris said.

Other cells pass messages from leaders in one camp to followers in others. How? Detainees use the envelopes sent to them by their attorneys to pass messages. (Some 1,000 lawyers represent 440 prisoners, all on a pro bono basis, with more than 18,500 letters in and out of Gitmo in the past year.) Guards are not allowed to look inside these envelopes because of “attorney-client privilege” – even if they know the document inside is an Arabic-language note written by a prisoner to another prisoner and not a letter to or from a lawyer.

That’s right: Accidentally or not, American lawyers are helping al Qaeda prisoners continue to plot.There is little doubt what this note-passing and weapons-making is used for. The military recorded 3,232 incidents of detainee misconduct from July 2005 to August 2006 – an average of more than eight incidents per day. Some are nonviolent, but the tally includes coordinated attacks involving everything from throwing bodily fluids on guards (432 times) to 90 stabbings with homemade knives. One detainee slashed a doctor who was trying to save his life; the doctors wear body armor to treat their patients.

Meanwhile, we’re spending a fortune giving them free dental care, vaccinations, eyeglasses, and prosthetic limbs.

Are the people who create these policies so afraid of criticism from political rivals and the international community that they’ve lost all focus on who these prisoners are?

Reading this article, I can’t help but think that we’ve completely lost our minds.

Hit Us With Your Best Shot!

If you’re looking for something to do this weekend, you don’t want to miss the Holocaust Cartoon Fair. You’ll have to go to Tehran, but I hear it’s worth the trip. (If you want to read all about it, click here.)

“We staged this fair to explore the limits of freedom Westerners believe in,” Masoud Shojai, head of the country’s “Iran Cartoon” association and the fair organizer, said.

“They can freely write anything they like about our prophet, but if one raises doubts about the Holocaust he is either fined or sent to prison,” he added.

Prison? I never knew that.

The contest was announced in February in a tit-for-tat move after caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed were first printed in Denmark and then picked up and published worldwide, enraging Muslims.

Over 200 cartoons will be on display. Prizes will be awarded for the top three entries.

These guys bring out the nit-picker in me. So while I’m at it, how do we spell holocaust?

irainian-women.jpg

Iranian women attend the international cartoon contest on the Holocaust in Tehran. (AFP/Behrouz Mehri)

But seriously, I’ll take a cartoon war over the other kind any day of the week.